New airport security regulations
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  1. #1

    New airport security regulations

    On the web:

    WASHINGTON---Airline travelers may feel a little high and dry over the Thanksgiving holiday, thanks to new Transportation Security Administration guidelines unveiled this morning that will limit saliva to no more than three ounces per passenger on domestic and international flights.

    "We just don’t want to take chances," said TSA spokesman Ted Bonner. "If terrorists can make a bomb out of hair gel, it's only a matter of time before they move on to Spit."

    Bonner said that travelers should stop drinking fluids of any kind at least three days prior to their departure date, and to "seek hydration treatment at the closest emergency room" once they arrive at their destination.

    According to the new TSA rules, passengers who go over the three-ounce limit will be able to have the excess removed from their glands, bottled, and placed in their checked luggage. New Sahara3000 saliva extraction machines are being provided by Halliburton, which won a no-bid $50 billion contract for the equipment last May.

    Bonner refused to comment on how saliva—of which the average human produces 32 ounces daily---could be used to create an explosive device. "For national security reasons we want to keep the terrorists guessing about what we know or don't know."

    Homeland Security director Michael Chertoff said the new policy was part of an ongoing effort to protect the homeland during the six year-old war on terror. "These measures will continue to assure that our aviation system remains safe and secure. Travelers should go about their plans confidently, while maintaining vigilance in their surroundings and exercising patience with screening and security officials."

    Chertoff added that future restrictions on blood, urine and bile were "not likely, but also not out of the question."

    Some passengers won't be afffected by the new rule. Bonner said that helper monkeys will be able to travel with full saliva levels, but only after going through the normal security screening process.

    Meanwhile, in an effort to boost airline security even further, the amount of air cargo that's inspected will increase from five percent to six percent.
    :P
    Why is everyone who drives slower than me an idiot, and everyone who drives faster a maniac?

  2. #2
    Registered User Exalted Member Fireand'chutes77's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by canuck31003 View Post
    On the web:
    ...From The Onion? :P
    Carpe Navi: Because you never know when you'll get to go boating at government expense again.

  3. #3
    Quote Originally Posted by Fireand'chutes77 View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by canuck31003 View Post
    On the web:
    ...From The Onion? :P
    The site where I found it didn't source it - but it does sound like something from The Onion, doesn't it?
    Why is everyone who drives slower than me an idiot, and everyone who drives faster a maniac?

  4. #4
    Wow...

    Are they serious?
    "There's an old Earth saying, Captain. A phrase of great power and wisdom. A consolation to the soul, in times of need: ALLONS-Y!"~Doctor Who

  5. #5
    Administrator Honored Elder jeriddian's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by GoTeamGirl View Post
    Wow...

    Are they serious?
    Not at all, dear girl. But it does make me wonder what other bodily fluids they are going to 'target' next......
    "Say the Word"

  6. #6
    Moderator Venerated Elder TransWarpDrive's Avatar
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    Yes, this definitely sounds like a joke. Don't worry; this reads like something out of The Onion, or some other satirical website.
    Some wise guy out there decided to mess with our heads - that's all this is.
    If anybody believes that article's for real, I've got a bridge in Brooklyn they can buy reeeally cheap...

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